Let me preface this post by saying: *ahem* I love my job!!!
I do. I really do. I think I have the best job in the world. At this point in my life, I can not imagine doing anything else. I love being able to stand with people in the midst of tragedy and uncertainty. Yet, sometimes, it gets to be too much. Entirely. Too. Much. I mean, there is only so much death and dying a girl can take.
Most times, I have great conversations with my patients and their families. My whole job isn't dealing with death. I get the opportunity to spiritually and emotionally support my patients and their families. This isn't just prayer, but also mediation, guided imagery, labyrinths, and a number of other spiritual disciplines and practices.
But then.... There is the death component. There is the tragedy component. I mean what do I say to a mother who just lost a child or to the child watching their parent slowly slip away due to cancer. Most times I feel ill prepared to deal with the situations that are dropped at my feet. I feel incompetent. I wonder what I have to offer the family that might bring comfort and solace.
Dare I say it? I feel insignificant. I often wonder, who am I to be here, with this family, during this time, for this purpose. My job makes me feel small and meaningless. I think it takes a special person to do what I do. Most days, I think I am that person and then some days....not so much.
I can't talk about my day and which cases really got next to me because there are laws and such against that. And I dare not dump on my friends and loved ones. I mean, I chose to bear this cross not those close to me. Sometimes my colleagues don't understand why certain patients get to me. So, I'm left holding all the pain and emotions inside.
There are days when I live my Grandmother's death over and over again. There are days I have one too many fetal demises. There are days my heart breaks over a child who has tried to commit suicide. There are days.... I have no place to put this pain. So I carry it. It goes with me. Sometimes it haunts me, most times it reminds me to live every moment to the fullest.
Even now, as I write this, my pager is going off. I dare not look, for who know what it holds. Another code? Another death? Another tragedy? Sometimes I come home and sit in silence. Away from the buzzing and beeping of machines, the vibrating of my pager, and squeaking of hospital shoes, I sit in silence and think. Regardless of it all, I love my job and that
Makes. No. Sense.
wow. this is deep. i wish i could say I relate, but I've never had to face a job with challenges that you face. but i will say this...you said "Dare I say it? I feel insignificant. I often wonder, who am I to be here, with this family, during this time, for this purpose."
ReplyDeleteI think that you are dealing with people who probably don't say thank you as much as you deserve it. not because they are bad people, but when dealing with loss, it's just hard and so much is going on...
I would be concerned if you WERE NOT affected by your job. But because it affects you in such a profound way should be a reminder that you are significant, needed and appreciated.
Have you ever thought about how many lives you saved? I remember when I lost my mom and I just was overcome with grief and funeral planning that I seriously considered taking my own life. I was in the car, and without getting into too much detail, a song come on the radio (out of nowhere, I really shouldn't have had a signal). It was Yolanda Adams, "The Battle is the Lords". It was so right on time. So as the counselor to those who loose loved once who may have been thinking of ending their own lives, you probably have through your words and actions saved them from doing so.
Everything is so much bigger than we are and sometimes we can't see the full impact of what we do and sometimes we could have been the very person to change someones life for the better, and never even know.
You are not incompetent nor insignificant. You are perfectly equipped and capable to do what you do.