get past the past

Shortcake and I had a really good talk last night. I was in a really good mood yesterday. I mean really good. So, when we were talking she was like you sound happy. I'm not used to hearing you like this. Our conversation is going well. We're laughing and cracking jokes. All is right in the universe.

Then....

I mentioned that the former roommate (FR) had called earlier. She said what did she say. FR and I had a really random conversation about Facebook and her preaching on Sunday. She wants me to be there with (for?) her. I told her that I can't cause I have plans. She wants to know what my plans are and I tell her that I can't be there. End. Of. Discussion. The conversation ends with her saying she needs to finish writing her sermon.

I was so angry. How in the hell can she have the ovaries to call me like nothing happened? I'm so angry at myself cause my ass didn't say anything. I haven't heard from her in a week (after she up and disappears) and she calls to ask me to do something for her! Really? What the hell? So, of course, Shortcake is angry with me cause I let it slide. Shortcake wants to know what is keeping me from telling her how I feel.

I have no idea. Actually, I do. She knows my secrets. She knows the ugliness that is my past. Because we hung out (can't even call us friends at this point) for four years, we have had hours and hours of conversations. She knows my mess. I can't stand the idea of someone walking around with all of my secrets and not knowing what they are doing with them.

It is so hard for me to let people in, but it's even harder for me to kick people out. I have a tendency to hold on to people (often longer than need be). It's so hard for me to let her go because she is the first person I really let my guard down around and the idea of the person I let in betraying me hurts more than the actual betrayal.

Forgive me, I'm rambling. I didn't sleep well last night. I was up and out of the house in T minus 25 minutes. Oversleeping is not the business! I usually write my blogs on the bus in the morning, but not today. I was deep in thought. I have decided that I'm going to talk to her. I want my self-respect back.

Out of professional courtesy, I'm going to wait until after she preaches on Sunday. It's really more about the people she's preaching to than it is about her. Stuff like this can creep into a sermon and a person would end up preaching angry. Not. A. Good. Look. I hope I can wait till then. As long as she doesn't call me, I'm good. If she calls, then I gotta speak my piece.

I gotta close this chapter in my life. Getting past the past is hard but this whole situation

Makes. No. Sense.