fear

One of my favorite pastimes is reading blogs. I read all kinds of blogs. They inspire me. Well, I was reading over at Three Ways To Take It about fear. Fear is a funny thing. Fear can do all kinds of things to a person. It can keep us from doing certain things. It can drive us to do certain things. Fear is funny like that.

I was afraid of growing up and becoming a single, mother living in the projects on welfare. Don't laugh, I mean, that's what my mother was and I thought that's what I was destined to be also. So, what did I do? I was so afraid of dudes that I didn't have my first kiss until I was a freshman in college. No, lie. And we are talking second semester, so I was like 19. But that single, mother fear was real to me.

That living in the projects thing also led me to college. I mean, college graduates don't live in the projects, right? I ran to college. I was determined to graduate. I liked undergrad so much I went to grad school. I enjoyed my Masters program so much, I want a Ph.D. I know we all have a struggle and there is nothing wrong with being in the projects for a time and then moving on, but in my eyes the projects were a final destination. I couldn't get with it.

So, we all have things we fear. And for as many fears as we have, we probably have just as many varied reasons why we fear said things. So, here is a short list of things I fear. (in no particular order)

Love/Commitment
As much as I love Shortcake, the idea of love scares the shit out of me. I mean, to completely give myself to someone and completely intertwine my life with someone else is a scary thought. To lay bare before someone and they all there is to know about me and love me anyway, is well not only utterly ridiculous but scary. But as much as it scares me, the thrill of it presses me to keep going. The overwhelming joy of being with Shortcake and the excitement of the possibilities for a future with her far outweigh my fears. But they are fears, nonetheless.

Failure
I have always had a fear of being a failure. For me being a failure means that I don't enjoy what it is I do everyday. Of course, I would like to be well compensated for it but I have to enjoy it. I want to be able to look forward to going to work in the morning.

Being alone
What I mean here is never finding that one person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I mean, I think I have found that person but one never really knows. As much as I fear love/commitment, I couldn't take being alone for the rest of my life. I mean, a girl can only have so many dogs right? Who's going to take care of me when I'm old? The thought of dying alone (I mean leaving behind no one to remember me) is quite sobering.

Becoming my mother
I have heard that it is every daughter's fear that she become her mother. Mine is a real fear. In fact, this is probably number one. My mother is alone and bitter. She has no friends. She can barely tolerate her siblings. She hates her job. She is waiting on me to take care of her (she says I need to pay her back for all the things she did for me. ummm, what?). I am all the things she is not and she can't stand me for it.

Being hurt
I guess the underlying theme here is that I don't want to be hurt. I had been dealt a helluva hand in the past. And I want that shit to stay right where it is, in my past. I want to experience the joy that life can bring. But to experience that joy, one must be willing to be vulnerable and thus exposed to the possibility of being hurt.

I guess each one of these could have been a post by themselves. These are five of my biggest fears (as of today). Fear is a funny thing. It can drive us or it can imprison us. So, what are your fears? Don't worry. We don't pass judgment around here. So, holla at me, even if you think it

Makes. No. Sense.