First, my dear readers, I apologize for leaving you. Between my aunt's death, the drama of going back home, and traveling for the holidays, I just have not had the mental energy to blog. Such is a life, but I'm back. So, Happy New Year and all that jazz. Secret keeps getting on me about not blogging because it lets her see my inner thoughts, so here we go.
I think it goes without saying that I love Secret. She has brought a fullness into my life that I didn't know I lacked until she filled it. So, yea, I love her. With that being said, there is something that worries me about us. Being with her for an extended amount of time, I learned things I enjoy and things that make me pause.
I enjoy cuddling with her, the fact that she brings me coffee in the morning, she knows how I like my coffee, and her being in my personal space feels natural. I love those things. The things that make me pause...well, I don't love those things. I think the underlying issue is that Secret is in the closet.
Because she is not out, I can't hold her hand in public. We when walk side-by-side, she is usually far away from me or she walks a bit ahead of me. If we are having a meal in a restaurant, she will not look at me or, if she does, she will not make eye contact. If I slip and call her 'babe' in public, she dies a little death.
We went out for a tweet up. She didn't look at me the entire night. I believe in opening doors and pulling out chairs. Chivalry is not dead. I couldn't do any of that for her. I was sitting next to a pretty little lady who let me pull out her chair and moved to the side so I could hold the door for her.
I didn't think about it. I just did it. Later, I thought I may have offended her by pulling out her chair. Then, I thought about how bad it looked for me to be pulling out the chair of one lady and not do it for my own. That kinda bothered me. I offered to open her car door and she flat out refused to let me do it.
I told Secret these things last night and she told me that I'm not holding up my end of our full disclosure deal. She said if something bothers me she wants to know. I told her I didn't say anything because I didn't want her to think that I'm going to break up with her and I knew all this going in.
It doesn't make sense to bitch and moan about something I knew up front. I guess it just kinda hit me. I had forgotten how good it felt to be able to pull out chair and open doors. It makes me feel good to do those things. To not be able to do them for my girl, that was like a punch in the chest.
I feel like I'm rambling, but yall feel me right? I'm torn on how I should feel about this and it
Makes. No. Sense.
*scratches head* You know I feel you. There's got to be some kind of compromise that you two can reach on this thing that allows for you to be a bit chivalrous without blowing Secret's cover.
ReplyDeleteI don't get the not letting you open building doors for her, not being able to walk side-by-side, and not looking at/making eye conduct with you at restaurants, though. What's so gay about that?
For looking at you?? I think it's more suspicious to be sitting at a table eating with someone and not look at them. Half of that is just paranoia, IMO. Are people even paying y'all any extra attention when y'all are out and about?
ReplyDeletei don't think so. i tend to think we blend in. she wants me to look more femme so that at first glance people will think we are just friends hanging out. but like you said, it's mostly paranoia.
ReplyDelete