off the cuff

Since my blog is a place to put my thoughts, I'm just gonna put my thoughts out there.  No filter.  No forethought.  Just straight off the cuff typing.  Whatever happens, happens.

I was having a conversation yesterday and the person said to me 'Foxy, I will be so glad when you start living your life for you.  Start going for what you want.'  This is not the first time I have heard this.  It's not even the first time this person has said this to me, but this time it hit me differently.  Before when I have heard this, I kinda hit my ears and I agreed that I do need to start living for me.  That's where the process ended.  I heard.  I agreed.  I immediately dismissed.  If it ain't broke, don't fix it right?

Well, it was/is broke but I didn't wanna take the time and energy to fix it.  But this time....  This time when it was said it pierced my heart.  I felt my chest cave in.  It was a punch that I usually can roll with, yet this time it knocked me down.  In 9 months, I will be 30.  I am excited about it.  I look forward to it.  For me, it means I beat the statistics.  I will make it childless with a couple of degrees and not living in the projects.  However, as I approach that mark, I realize that I have spent so much energy on NOT being something.

I have often sold myself short.  I undervalue myself and then get mad at myself when I don't get what I feel I deserve.  I often defer my feelings/wants/needs/desires for the other, whomever the other may be.  Then, I get mad at myself because I have no energy to attend to my own stuff.  There is a song in the stage play Rent that goes "today for you, tomorrow for me", well tomorrow never comes.  That sucks.  And it hurts.  I was always denying myself for others, like I'm Jesus or somebody.

Well, I'm not Jesus.  What I am is a person on the road to living an unfulfilled life.  And that ladies and gentlemen, is something I can not live with.  My friend is right.  I do need to start living for me.  It is gonna be one decision at a time.  One step at a time.  The hardest part isn't getting started.  It's staying motivated.  The first decision I have made is to join a gym.  There is another decision on the horizon.  Change is good, but it sometimes hurts.  Change is necessary because some things

Make. No. Sense.