struggling on paper (this was hard to write)

Bulldagger. Dyke. Lez. Lezzie. Lesbo. Lesbian. Butch. Femme. Some variation thereof. All of the above. None of the above. Black. African American. Negro. Colored. A woman of color. A child of the Diaspora. Some mixture thereof. A little of this. A little of that. What am I? Why does it matter? Am I not more than the sum total of words written on a page in some feeble attempt to describe me set forth by persons who care nothing of my experiences as a result of their chosen categorical labels forced upon me without my permission?

Didn't Sojourner ask 'Ain't I A Woman'? Didn't Martin plea that his children be judged by the content of their character rather than the color of their skin? Then, why can't I be judged on the content of my character rather than who I decide to let between my legs? Homophobia, it seems, is the last socially acceptable form of bigotry. In this day and age, even Black people don't dare say 'nigger' in public. But to call someone out as a dyke or faggot is deemed as upholding traditional American family values.

Why is my end all, be all who I sleep with? This dude tried to holla at me while I was at the laundry mat. Now, homeboy was busted and I told him I wasn't interested. He asked if I was single (and I was at the time). I told him I was and then dude was like 'what, you like part lesbian or something'. Maybe I'm just not interested. Maybe I don't date busted dudes. Because I don't want you, I must be gay. Why can't you understand that what I am has nothing to do with you?

It seems that who I am is at odds with who I am. I can wear a big six inch cross around my neck and no one would think twice about it. I could also be wearing a Malcolm X shirt (you know the one with him looking out of a window holding a shot gun and says 'by any means necessary') and no one would question my attire nor inquire as to how I reconciled the stance of the Nation of Islam on Christianity and my seemingly Christian beliefs. I would just be a righteous sista down for the cause.

Yet, let me throw in a rainbow ring or be talking passionately about Audre Lorde or be reading Lavender Mansions. Then, suddenly I become something different, someone entirely different. I am no longer a righteous sista but rather a dyke trying to pimp the civil rights movement. I know people who claim it sickens them to hear people say 'gay rights is civil rights.' They say I can hide my gayness but I can't hide my color so it's not the same thing. Why should I have to hide who I am? Why am I only Black insomuch as I am straight?

This leads me to ask ain't I Black? Since when did ethnicity negate sexuality and sexuality negate ethnicity? Most of you know that I am a minister. I already had three strikes against me: I'm Black, I'm female, I'm young. Then to top it off, I have the nerve to be a lesbian. Fortunately, I'm ordained by a denomination that embraces gay and lesbian clergy however each individual congregation decides if they want to choose a gay or lesbian pastor. Congregations can also decide fi they want to declare themselves as open and affirming, meaning they welcome gays and lesbians.

I'm sure you're thinking at this point 'just come out and work with an open and affirming congregation'. Sounds nice but things are never as easy as they seem. There are no Black open and affirming congregations. None. That is not to say there aren't Black congregations in my denom that welcomes gays. What it says is that no Black congregation will go on record as saying they welcome gays. Damn, even the church is in the closet. So, to come out would be locking myself out of the Black congregations. I don't want to do that. Not for them, fuck them, but for me. There is something that working and worshiping in the Black church I get that I can't get anywhere else.

In addition to asking ain't I Black, I must also ask ain't I Christian? It never ceases to boggle my mind that people can sit in a pew next to an alcoholic reeking of gin while watching the deacon who beats his wife lead devotion yet will not embrace the homosexual as one who as equal claim to the kingdom. That 'love the sinner, hate the sin' slogan is bullshit. I mean the Bible says that all have sinned but this slogan is thrown at gays as though it were some sort of spiritual life jacket. The truth is this slogan is just a way for these folks to justify their exclusion of whomever they don't approve.

I don't know what has taken over me. I have this overwhelming need to be free. It's like I feel these infernal, invisible 'theys' breathing on my neck. I'm sick and tired of trying to live my life according to what 'they' think. I am more than the sum total of my parts. My experiences have created nuances and facets of my being that can not be captured in labels and categories. I am what I am. And right now, what I am is tired. Tired of what? I don't really know but I'll tell you what, I'll know that shit when I see it.

(I'm not really sure where this post came from. I sat down to write and this is what came out.)