uncertainty

A co-worker said to me today, "if we are alive, it is uncertain times". No truer words could have been spoken to me today. Though I dare not complain about my life, I have been on this ride of uncertainty for the majority of this year. It has not been fun and it seems to be getting worse. I think it started in December when my 48 year old aunt died. It's been hard to shake that.

I started this year out trying desperately to relocate. Though Charlotte is nice, it doesn't feel like home. I had my eyes set on Houston. Y'all know why. Houston held something for me. The idea of home and family. It was so close I could taste it. Then, things started to come together. I got a job there and was closer to my desire.

Ahh, but life was just beginning to toy with me. On June 14, I received a call that told me that the hospital administration had cut the program. BAM! Just like that. Everything that I had work towards was gone. I thought getting interviews and gathering materials was hard. That's a cakewalk compared to doing all that after having the rug snatched from under you.

I began to question everything about myself. What if this is a sign? What if I'm not supposed to be a chaplain? What if I'm on the wrong path? What if this is a punishment for giving up one job to go for one I really wanted? Was I too ambitious? Did I want it too bad? What if I'm supposed to be in Charlotte? Is this God's way of sending me back to GA?

Add to that the feelings of guilt, inadequacy, fear, anxiety, failure, and...and...and...uncertainty. I didn't know which way was up and could not articulate what I was feeling and why. So, I closed myself off and shut down. I tried to drink my troubles away, but that got expensive. I felt stuck. My address was between a rock and a hard place.

I wish I could say my inner strength got me through it, but I'm not that strong. I kept going because sitting down was not an option. I kept going because I knew God had a place for me and it was up to me to discern it. My granddad always says 'there is no rest for the weary' and I truly understand that now.

I still have uncertainty. I have to move to New Orleans on August 29 and have no place to move to. My stress level is through the roof and I am feeling the results of it. But as my co-worker said life is full of uncertainty. I am trying not to get overwhelmed. In the movies, when something really great happens, the person will say pinch me so I know I'm not dreaming. I guess uncertainty is life's way of pinching us, so that we know we are alive.

Oh, well, it's good to be back. Got a lot of stuff on my mind and it

Makes. No. Sense.